Cursed and delusional
by Belisse
Summary: A water planet, clowns, evil chickens and a nasty critter.


**Title: Cursed and delusional**

**Genre: Drama/Humor**

**Rating: PG**

**Summary: A water planet, clowns, evil chickens and a nasty critter.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, yadda, yadda, blah, blah. You know how it goes.**

**A/N: Sorry, not beta'd. This was originally started as a crack!fic, but it turned out more serious. The humor is still there I think, but I just started and as the story morphed I couldn't stop writing. **

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

Life couldn't be any worse on the Pegasus Galaxy. Creepy aliens, the Wraith, questionable foods and some freaky bugs. He didn't even know what got him, but Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard really started to think that he was a cursed man.

The team had arrived to a planet that was completely covered in water. They were on the way to meet the Agüeybana people, who wanted to trade with them. The Stargate was on the only safe spot where the water was really shallow. So, they had arrived on foot, not minding the water at their ankles. People on this planet lived on some large trees that resembled a mangrove swamp.

Everything was good until he had walked into a hole in the ground and fell face first into the water. Sheppard stood up as soon as he could and kept on walking as if nothing had happened. No one in the team had said a word, but they were all staring at the now very soaked Colonel. Their faces were to the brink of laughing, and without another thought Sheppard said, "Shut up!"

But as they were arriving at the Chief's house, Sheppard knew there was something really wrong. He stared at the water and there were little critters with large fins swimming around him. He had enough experience with alien bugs; he wouldn't want to deal with them for sure.

Sheppard jumped when one very nasty looking critter swam in between his legs. Next thing he heard Ronon's voice. "Are you okay Sheppard?"

The Colonel stared at the water then at Ronon. "Did you see that?"

Apparently now everyone was curious because Rodney was on his side. "See what?"

"There are things in the water."

The team looked around and stared at their leader. Puzzlement filled their faces; Teyla was now in front of him looking at the water. "Colonel Sheppard, there is nothing there."

Sheppard wondered why they were being so difficult. The things were right there and one of them was now crawling towards Rodney's neck. The thing looked transparent, and it was a really large worm, with fins and a thousand of little legs. Sheppard just stared at the scientist not really knowing what to do about it. "Rodney, the thing is in your neck."

Rodney frowned, and touched his neck; nothing.

"Colonel, are you sure you're feeling okay?" Teyla asked in concern.

The Colonel was definitely not okay. He had seen Rodney's hand go through the creature's body. That was not good. He made a pass to grab it, but his hand when through it as well.

"What the hell are you doing?" Rodney asked a bit annoyed by the Colonel's actions.

To which Sheppard could only respond, "I… the little critter…" –he was getting dizzier by the minute. "…oh crap!" the Colonel said before he passed out and fell to the water once again.

Ronon acted quickly and grabbed the Colonel; Rodney was quickly on the other side helping Ronon carrying the unconscious man.

They stood still for a moment, their first choice was to return to the gate, but the Chief's house was closer. So they decided to visit the old man, and ask him about what happened to the Colonel.

When they finally arrived to the Chief's house, the team was grateful that the roots of the trees were extensive, because the water was getting deeper. That way they climbed into the roots and very slowly walked the rest of the way. When the Chief saw them, he quickly ordered two servants to help the team. The men were already accustomed on walking on top of the tree roots. So, they quickly got the Colonel and carried him towards the house.

The team followed and Teyla was the first one to speak. "We are grateful for your help."

The Chief was an old man, but he looked in excellent shape. As if he could be a hundred years, but fight like a man of thirty. He smiled warmly at the team. "We are supposed to become allies, this is the least I can do."

The man now walked towards the house. "May I ask what happened to him?"

"We were making our way towards here and he…" Teyla stopped for a moment. Ronon finished for her. "He fell into the water and then started seeing things."

At this comment the Chief frowned. "What kind of things?"

"He just said there were things in the water, but by the way he reacted I can safely assume it was some kind of creature." Rodney answered.

The Chief seemed to be in deep thought and quickly said, "Follow me."

The Chief lead them into the house. Once inside the house looked like a normal wooden house. There was a common area and some rooms to the back. The Chief walked to the first room to the right. Where both of his servants were waiting for him and a very pale looking Sheppard was lying on a small cot. The Chief looked at his servants and said, "Bring me a Wispen and a knife."

The servants left quickly and the Team stared at each other uneasily. "Wait, what is a Wispen?" Rodney asked alarmed by the Chief's request.

But the old man didn't have time to answer as Ronon assaulted him with another question, "Why do you need a knife for?"

The Chief looked at them and said, "A Wispen is a small animal, whose venom will help your friend." At that moment the servant carrying the small animal arrived at the room. The Chief took the small animal by its wings and show it to them. The animal looked more like a wasp than anything else. The Chief moved towards Sheppard and kneeled beside him. He pulled up the sleeve of the Colonel's jacket, tapped the wasp like creature a few times and placed it on Sheppard's right arm.

The little bug started crawling up and down the arm. The Chief seemed pleased, because he stood up and grabbed the knife from the servant's hand. Seeing the look on Ronon's face, the Chief smiled and said, "You told me that he fell in the water, why did he fell?"

Ronon frowned. "I suppose there was a hole in the ground."

The Chief nodded. "He fell into a nest of a very dangerous creature. I bet he didn't feel anything, but…" The Chief stopped speaking and started looking at the Colonel's ankles. He seemed to find what he was looking for on the left foot. The old man, pulled up the pant and showed the team where a nasty and very weird looking spider was incrusted on the ankle.

"This creature loves to attach its offspring to a human body. It feeds the little creature, but causes hallucinations and a most certain death," the Chief placed the knife on top of the little critter and cut its head off. Then he slides the blade under the new decapitated bug and detached it from Sheppard's leg. Then he cleaned the area and made a small cut where the bug had pierced the skin.

A bit of blood started flowing, but he let it out without stopping it. The old man stood up and smiled warmly at the team. "You will need to leave the cut like that, at least for a few hours. The cut is not deep, so there's no need to worry," the Chief turned to face Sheppard again and grabbed the Wispen by the wings. "Our little friend here has done its job. Your friend will be sore for the next day or two, but he will be fine. This is a common thing among my people. It is only deadly if left unattended."

Teyla glanced at Sheppard, then back at the old leader. "We are really grateful."

"Hopefully, our people will gain much from each other. Now, I'm going to get a boat ready for you to get back to the Ring. I'm sure your friend will like to be home when he wakes up." The Chief gave them a small nod and walked out of the room.

Rodney sighed in relief as Teyla moved in to look at Sheppard's wounds.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Colonel John Sheppard was not pleased. He was aching, he was dizzy and he could barely open his eyes. He tried anyways, when he was finally able to look around him, he was on a boat, surrounded by water. Sheppard glanced around and saw Ronon at the front, Rodney in the middle and Teyla besides him.

There were two other people in the boat, one was leading the boat towards the Stargate and another was staring at the Colonel with a murderous look.

Sheppard tried to focus, Teyla was asking him questions, but he couldn't hear them. He could only see the person, thing was staring at him. His sight cleared a bit and Sheppard looked again. A giant humanoid chicken was had its glare set on him.

Sheppard almost screamed.

He saw that now, Rodney was at his side helping Teyla with something. But all he could see was the evil chicken that certainly wanted to kill him. The Colonel tried to move, but he was on a boat. There wasn't much room for him to move.

But he didn't want to stay still; he wanted to hit the evil looking chicken and pretend he never saw it. But then the evil looking chicken smiled and someone else appeared by its side; it was a clown covered in blood.

Sheppard cursed. He said something to Rodney but he didn't know if the scientist had understood him. Because Rodney and Teyla were just staring at him with confused looks on their faces.

Sheppard didn't know if he was on the boat anymore, or where he was for that matter. He just knew that the evil chicken and the clown were moving towards him, and then he knew no more.

-0-0-0-0-

When he finally woke up again, Sheppard wasn't feeling that confused anymore. He barely remembered something about falling, water and chickens. Other than that, he had no idea what happened to him.

He opened his eyes and found himself on the last place he ever wanted to wake up; the infirmary. He looked to his side and his team was sitting across the room. Teyla was leaned back on a chair, Rodney was sleeping on Teyla's shoulder and Ronon was on the floor with his knees raised.

Sheppard waved at them. "Hello."

Teyla was on her feet in an instant waking Rodney up and startling Ronon. Teyla gave Sheppard a smile and asked, "How are you feeling?"

Sheppard seemed to think about the question. "I have no clue, what happened?"

Teyla moved closer. "We were going to meet the Agüeybana people and you…"

"Fainted!" Rodney cut her off with a mild smile on his face.

Teyla and Sheppard glared at the scientist, and before Rodney could be mortally wounded, Ronon walked closer and explained everything that happened. But always sticking to the important facts.

When the Runner finished, Sheppard stared absentminded at the swollen bruises on his right arm.

At that moment, a very angry looking Carson arrived by his bedside.

"So, what's the verdict?" Sheppard asked.

"That I'm going to try to restrain you from going off world, or make your team mates learn that when these kinds of things happen, they should come straight to me." Carson said in anger as he checked Sheppard's vitals.

"Well, from what I've heard, the leader of that planet saved my life Doc. So, maybe you could just make me some alien bug repellant," John gave the Doctor a weak smile.

Carson replied with a grin and said, "Rest, and depending on how you behave I'll release you in the morning."

Carson walked away towards his office, which left his team all staring at Sheppard. He frowned. "What?"

Rodney's lips betrayed a grin. "Oh my… Atlantis ranking military officer is afraid of clowns."

Sheppard's head snapped and glared at Rodney, "What?"

"That's all you talked about on the way back here. That the clown and the…." Rodney had to stop before bursting out laughing and Ronon finished for the scientist. "Evil chicken wanted to kill you."

Sheppard looked around and his eyes fell on Teyla. She smiled and nodded, reassuring that the memory of chickens weren't because he wanted to eat it.

He groaned, by this time the next day everyone in the city will know about the evil chicken. It was confirmed, John Sheppard was cursed.

His team left the infirmary and he was finally left alone to think of the million ways Rodney was going to remind him about the clowns and the evil chickens.

The next morning Carson had released him, with a long list of things he wasn't allowed to do. As he made his way towards his room, he noted that no one was making any remarks or questions about anything involving clowns or chickens. Once by his room, Sheppard opened the door and walked in. he had to stop and realize what he was seeing for a moment.

There was a rubber chicken and a plushy clown on his bed; Rodney was so dead.

The End.

_mangrove swamp _- Mangrove are woody trees or shrubs that grow in coastal habitats or mangal.


End file.
